in which Matt is asked to complete an assignment with respect to pickling vegetables and tasting the outcome.
I write this post to you under duress: a trying time this has been for our great nation. A time in which the Communist threat is ever present. We must not yield. We must not be complacent. Friends, I ask for your support in our fight against the Reds.
This was support I was ready to give when my esteemed colleague, Senator Joseph McCarthy suggested that there be convened a subcommittee within the House Committee on Un-American Activities (“HUAC”, though HCU-AA would be more accurate). The newly created subcommittee I refer to, however, is the House Subcommittee on Un-American Food Production Activities (HSUFPA).
At HSUFPA we’ve been working tirelessly to expose the Commie food threat, a threat that targets
YOU AT HOME!
YOUR CHILDREN IN SCHOOL CAFETERIAS!!
YOUR LOVED ONES EVERYWHERE!!!
Recent intelligence has made us aware that pickling is the latest plan of attack, being cooked up by the Soviets. They would pickle our American vegetables in their brine just as soon as they would pickle
YOU AT HOME!
YOUR CHILDREN IN SCHOOL!!
YOUR LOVED ONES EVERYWHERE!!
Pickling, you see, comes easily to the Communist. Their leader, Lenin, was pickled. His body can be seen even to this VERY DAY.
Our intelligence suggests that the first Communist pickling to attack America may be in the form of PICKLED TOMATOES AND YELLOW PEPPER. Heaven help us.
I was asked by HSUFPA to create this RED recipe in a secure, undisclosed environment so we can better understand it. The recipe itself was taken from the dossier of a brave American spy, code name “Pretty Prudent“. The method we believe will be used is the addition of watered down VINEGAR to raw vegetables, in this case tomatoes and yellow pepper. The yellow pepper is an addition not found in the recipe. Better safe than sorry.
The recipe explicitly allows for some modifications, and so I took the liberty of including these. After reducing the recipe so that it would produce only one jar of pickled items, I increased amount of black peppercorns slightly and increased the amount of coriander seed significantly. When all the ingredients were laid out in the secure, undisclosed location, the results were as follows (the layout of the tomatoes is a typical Communist affront to American virility):
I then heated up the brine and poured it into a NORTH AMERICAN MADE jar, which already held the raw vegetables. Finally, I had another person put the cap on. I could have done this alone but I did not.
Please do not be alarmed. Congress has initiated a scientific exploration of the compounds found in these RED RECIPES. Early tests show that the production of specially engineered capsules can render the Soviet food threat harmless.
The following are the originally laboratory notes on the pickled tomatoes and peppers:
– Jar stuffed with uniformly cut yellow peppers and two red tomatoes. Tomatoes bulge out, splitting skin. Effect of poking holes in them and letting too much brine seep in?? Should have reduced hole-poking.
– Brine: pale yellow colour: effect of apple cider vinegar. Yellow peppers don’t have appealing colour against yellow brine. Try red pepper?
– Overwhelming smell of salted tomato and hint of apple smell too. This is reasonable.
– Tomato skin is loose and slides off soft tomato body. Not holding up well. Drooping on the plate, a bit like shot cowboy on last night’s “Gunsmoke”. Skin is tasteless and hard to chew. Tomato flesh has slightly too salty taste, but the coriander has pierced it vibrantly. Could stand more pepper, I’d warrant.
– Yellow peppers maintain colour well, though they have gone soft. A crisper pepper would be more appealing and therefore more dangerous to American consumers. Of course we won’t want our countrymen to become entranced with this Soviet foodery.
– Yellow peppeafsddddddddddddddddd
[note: I’ll be taking over. My colleague seems not to have taken enough of the anti-Communist capsules. He is convulsing on the floor.]
At any rate, the yellow peppers have a mellow aftertaste that contrasts with the sharpness of their acidic content. They took a lot of acid in them, boy did they ever… Yes, the yellow peppers are a bit soft. It may have lost some of its crunch when the brine was poured over them. It was likely too warm to preserve the integrity of the pepper. Conversely the pepper could have been chilled more. There is a little more apple flavour to the pepper but not as much coriander. Again, the peppercorns are weak.
Lab report ends.
This, my fellow countrymen, concludes the report on pickling from the House Subcommittee on Un-American Food Production Activities. We are of the opinion that the Reds may try to bolster their weaponized foodery by first chilling their peppers, cooling down the brine before adding it, or even changing the colour of the pepper so that it will stand out against the yellowish brine colour.
But know, dear ones, that whensoever food is pickled, wherever a tomato is grown, we shall stand firm.
And we shall defeat the Communist aggressor.
God bless you all.